I have been successfully delaying writing a blog post for months as I was too afraid to put myself out into the world. I am terrified right now as I am writing this and imagining the moment of clicking the ‘publish’ button. But then I start to think of my life up until this point and how much I could have done, where I could have been if I wasn’t focusing so much on my weaknesses and what somebody else might think of me. What scares me the most is to feel the regret of not being myself for the rest of my life and always wondering what could have happened if I only felt courageous for a small fraction of time. So here I am, writing this intending to do one thing that scares me but in the same way, attracts like few others, and to prove myself I can do it.
I want to talk about one decision and the following experiences that changed my life and made me shift my focus in a completely different direction than the one I have been looking at my whole life. I moved to Ireland in 2018 with the dream of creating a successful career in the medical field. I had an idea of doing something creative as well, but it was mostly just as a hobby. The reason for that is I wasn’t feeling adequate to make it the main source of income and career. I always thought I wasn’t a creative person (in retrospect, my inner feelings told me differently, but I wasn’t attuned to hear them properly). So I found an amazing starting job in the field I graduated in, and after the first few months of excitement for being in that place I gradually began to gain different feelings. After a day at work, I was mentally and physically exhausted and full of feelings of dissatisfaction. I am a people pleaser, which led me to feel completely drained, lost, and unappreciated. I was aware of the things I was doing wrong and understood the reasons behind the misery I felt. I knew the solution was to speak and act authentically. But when people get used to one version of yourself, and more importantly, if they themselves are not living the way they would truly want to, you’re not going to get much support from them once you start to follow your inner voice. That was exactly what I was doing – trying to get support and approval for being my true self from the people who probably couldn’t even see the inauthenticity in themselves, let alone be it. Truth is, the only support and approval I ever needed was from myself – my feelings and my inner voice that were always pointing me in the direction I should be focusing on.
After years of not paying attention to and acting upon my real feelings, I found it hard to find enjoyment in everyday life. Nothing was good enough for me because deep down I felt I wasn’t good enough for anything. I realized I have sacrificed my own truth and happiness over a way of life that we are told we are supposed to lead. I knew I had to put an end to it. That is how I decided to quit my job in the middle of the pandemic, with no precise plan for the future. It was the time to invest my energy into something that truly brings joy and excitement to me.
The next paragraph is not me listing all the accomplishments I have achieved after that. In fact, right now I am in a country I moved to three months ago, unemployed and broke. It is far from dreams come true. Although I have to start from scratch, I am so grateful for reaching the mindset where I know I am good enough to pursue another path, the one that actually resonates with me. In a way, I think it is one of the biggest accomplishments one can achieve because everything past that is just possibilities and everything before that was a prison for the mind.
I’d like to finish this with questions I want you to ask yourself:
Am I creating a life that resonates with my own truth and brings me feelings of joy and fulfillment?
If not, what is that one thing I love to do that makes me feel like I am right where I belong to?
P.S. I have posted the collection of photos from the days spent in Dublin that are so dear to me and remind me of the time of self-discovery and first glimpses of freedom. Hope you’ll enjoy them. : )