4 am and my body is ecstatic with the thoughts of creating. It’s all I can think of ever since the new day began. Creating is the ultimate nourishment for my being.
So many times when my days were filled with heaviness and lethargy, when nothing seemed to help, I would focus a little bit of attention on creating something, and instantly, my state was transformed in ways that were unbelievable.
Nothing gives me a sense of contentment and purpose as creating does.
Yet, way too often, I forget about that. I get into the loop of endless thoughts run by fear and doubt. I overthink everything, doubt my abilities, focus too much on the outcome, and end up staying away from it for way too long.
How come fear and doubt are the strongest and loudest voices in our heads?
In reality, the desire to create and express is the strongest one, since nothing can shut it down, even years of ignoring and repressing it. The voice might get quieter but it is and will always be there.
It’s an innate part of us. We will never be able to get rid of it. A creative life force that runs through everything.
What happened to most of us throughout our first part of life, is that we adopted many different voices that become louder than this one. We learned that somehow this creative force that’s inside of us isn’t as important and valuable as others.
For many of us, our lives meant being surrounded by people who were more or less in a constant state of survival.
A working force trying to get day by day in an economically unstable country where corruption is the language of the leadership, and small men are nothing more than a means to feed someone’s greed.
Blood, sweat, and tears were the only way those around us understood and experienced life. It’s only natural that for most, art and creation fall in the category of privileged leisures. And they really are that. You are not going to spend your days contemplating some existential questions when you have to feed the small mouths you took under your responsibility.
But we don’t have to live the same reality as our ancestors did. Isn’t the whole point of existence – or one of the major – for one generation to create space for growth for the next one?
If our parents and grandparents spent their lives making sure we don’t have to go through the things they had to experience and to provide a life for us that’s not so threatening to our existence, isn’t it a time for us to embrace the fruits of their hard work, and move on to the next ‘task’?
Moving on to finding a way how we can contribute to the evolution of the collective and making sure those who come after us have one more thing ‘ticked off’, so that they can move on to something else?
Why do we then, shame ourselves for the desire to focus more on some of those ‘privileged’ ways and on expanding ourselves?
Why do we put so much shame on the desire to create? On the desire to live a life less colored by survival? A life where we can focus more on what brings us content and joy and a calmer nervous system, without feeling like we are misusing our life and ‘not knowing what the real life is about?’
I do understand why people are triggered by younger generations having it easier, at least in some aspects. It’s hard for them to understand the realities we live in, because they never got to visit those places. In the same way I’ll never know what it’s like to have a reality where your home and loved ones are taken away from you in a second by the greed-sponsored game called war.
I also get triggered and jealous by seeing those younger than me who grew up in families that supported their individuality and they got to develop into these incredibly and beautifully expressive young people who are so aware of all their talents and potential and make the most out of it.
What’s hiding behind, is that I see myself in them. Or rather, who I’m aspiring to be.
I see my future children in them. Being so free and expressive and owning all that they are with everything they have. That is what I want to create for them – a safe space to just unfold all that they are and need to be. Even if their freedom brings the potential of my whole existence being questioned. And for that, I want to try to remember that for something to make sense in the big picture of life, it’s not necessary for me to understand it.
To create a nurturing ground for those that come after you so that they can be one step ‘in front of you’ and that we can grow collectively. Sounds like a good way to spend our time here.
To some, our decision to focus on those more privileged tasks seems like being ungrateful for life, because we don’t focus that much on attaining the material, which their whole life was about, but more on exploring some other realms.
But isn’t it ungrateful to just throw away all that labor, struggle, and incredible pains and misfortunes our ancestors had to go through and decide we’re actually going to start from the same place they had to?
Then what were all their struggles for?
Is running in the loop for the rest of our human existence the best way we can offer appreciation for this life and all that those before us did?
I feel so much shame in thinking I’m deluding myself by aspiring to create and lead a life that’s not rooted in survival, but expansion. I feel shame for having the privilege of not running under grenades or trying not to die from starvation.
I wonder, is this shame that we feel just somebody’s way of keeping us in the loop of survival, thus preventing us from asking certain questions and looking for answers that might pose a threat to their position?
Is my decision to explore my creativity and embrace my potential much more courageous and impactful for the good of the collective, than what I’m giving myself the credit for?
I don’t think that exploring your potential is more important than trying to keep the food on the table for your family. There couldn’t be the first one without the latter.
But since we got the opportunity for it, shouldn’t we embrace it?
Yes, I do have the privilege to dedicate my existence to exploring my creativity and potential.
I am so incredibly grateful for everything that all those before me had to go through to allow me to get to this place.
I won’t let anyone convince me anymore that my way of living is ‘less’ because it’s not measured in the material.
I’m embracing my courage and privilege to create.
I’ll bask in it and allow it to consume me.
And through it learn new ways how to be myself more, and allow other the same.