I woke up with such a strong feeling of the need to speak openly about my late experiences in this corner of mine, whose number one purpose is precisely that – to be a place where I can let my expression roam freely. I’ve been feeling the need to share it for weeks, but always found a way to reason myself why I’ll regret it and to better just leave it unsaid.
I always fear my blog posts are too ego centrical, that I use the word ‘I’ way too much, how I talk about myself way too much. But that’s the only way I know how to translate these emotions and experiences I’m having, that I think are worthy of sharing, and that many can resonate with, and hopefully find some comfort and inspiration. So bear with me in this long post where ‘all’ I talk about is myself. ; )
Lately, I started challenging myself in ways I never thought would be possible. I gave myself permission to believe in myself. Not just to half-ass believe, but truly and fully. I gave myself a chance to create a life I’ve been dreaming of for a long time.
I got rid of everything that drains my energy and shifted my focus fully onto photography and creating a successful business around it.
To understand the magnitude of this step I have to say I was, and parts of me still are, a person that’s deeply in a scarcity mindset, like many in this world. So, to accept a lifestyle that’s so hugely painted with words ‘uncertainty’, that a creative business like this comes with, always felt like an unattainable reality.
But after years of having this ‘secure’, ‘reasonable’ and ‘realistic’ lifestyle, I could no longer ignore what it brought into my world. Frustration, unused creative energy, empty eyes, regret, self-betrayal, feeling overwhelmed by negative energy, lethargy, and many more of similar vibrancy.
I did what I saw others do, so I blamed the system, economy, capitalism, government, education system, parents, partner, anything and everything I could find.
I even continued to do that for a long time after I understood the concept of victim mentality. I guess the way my mind works is that it learns only through the mistakes I truly experience on my own skin. So, after a few years of living and thinking like that, I had to face myself.
The real issue isn’t in the system, economy, or my upbringing – it’s in my mindset. It’s the way I look at the world, and more importantly, the way I look at myself.
When you think you don’t deserve it, there are no doors left open for those wonderful things you’re dreaming of to enter your life. I’m sure life was giving me many opportunities to shift into this new life, but I was blind to see them. I was afraid to welcome them.
I was ignoring the truth that was in front of me for so long, repeated the same mistakes so many times, and came to the point where I knew there are only two paths possible to take – either to do all those things I’m so afraid to do and risk everything; or to go down the same path I’ve been walking on, waiting for the perfect circumstances, waiting for somebody to recognize my potential, and to ‘feel ready’ to go after the things I want more than anything.
But I already proved to myself where the second path leads me to, and choosing to stay on it meant to consciously betray myself.
There is a better way to form the line ‘I gave myself permission to truly believe in myself’, and that is – ‘I created a circumstance where I have to learn to believe in myself.’ That’s a more realistic description of what happened.
Like most people of this world, if not literally everybody, my feeling of unworthiness runs so deeply it can’t be healed by ‘a simple’ decision to believe in myself. It’s a process of choosing a different thought and emotion every time my mind starts speaking to me in old ways.
How that looks in practice is that I have a paper on my desk where I wrote to myself all the things I’m worthy of, where I give myself the credit for what I’ve achieved, to believe in good things being possible, to surrender to the way life will lead me towards my goals, and have patience with myself.
The other thing is that when fear and doubt overwhelm me, I talk to myself out loud, because when I hear the frequency of my own voice, I can easily recognize what’s coming out of the real me, and what’s just a product of the noise world created. I also love to film myself talking and to look at those videos later. The way my face and energy change when I shift from fear and doubt, to hope and surrender is unbelievable. I’m not exaggerating when I say it feels like looking at a completely different person.
I carry so much shame for the practical ways I have to take in order to fight with those thoughts, thinking it makes me less, uncapable, and defected in some way. Because who the fuck can’t get their thoughts and emotions in order and has to do those silly, miserable things to be able to manage life? Well, probably everyone alive.
But I know that’s just scared, wounded part of myself trying to protect itself from pain that comes when facing the truth. From the uncertainty that comes with change. I know my true self is so proud of me every time I manage to get that paper into my hands or start verbalizing my fears and doubts, and eventually transform into the person I truly want to be.
You can only blame your circumstances so far. The time will never be right, the environment will never be safe, and you will never be ready.
We put so much focus onto our circumstances because we love to think we can control them. I realize more and more, that we are missing the point. Our circumstances will never be perfect, because they were never meant to be.
What is meant to happen, is that we develop such an unshakable trust and belief in ourselves and the knowing how we will get through anything that happens to us. How our biggest ally isn’t a secure monthly paycheck, but eyes that are open wide enough to see the big picture, ears that can hear the frequency of our intuition, hearts that can give ourselves unconditional love, again and again, no matter how many times we fall.
One of the fears I had when thinking about sharing how I quit my job to pursue a creative path is that I will fail to make it and everyone will be a witness to it. Everyone will know I was never good enough to become a successful entrepreneur.
But what if life wants me to fail so many times, over and over again, to gather so much wisdom about what it really takes to develop a mindset that a successful creative has to have? So that I can help all those struggling with the same thing by sharing my experiences? What if my success lies in failing big time, day after day?
I’m going fully in this, so here’s another thing. I haven’t told many people about this recent venture. The main target from whom I’m hiding this are my parents. I hold their opinion of my life so high, higher than my own, that while I’m healing and developing a new self-image and belief in myself, I had to protect myself from their doubt and fears from which I still haven’t developed a barrier.
I hold so much shame around this. How does a person that’s in her late 20s still care so much about what her parents think of her, that she’ll betray herself in any way she can, just to satisfy her parent’s view of what does a successful and responsible grown up person do with their life?
But age is just a number, isn’t it? And how many of us are also led by that same trauma, just unaware of it, or choosing to stay blind to it? Maybe it’s not our parents that we hold as the ultimate judge of our worthiness, but a partner, high school friends, colleagues at work, or just society in general?
What does it even mean to be a responsible grown up, to live responsibly? Hoarding your bank account’s assets while working in an environment that drains your life force, destroys your health and leaves you rid of any joy for life?
Is following your intuition, daring to change, having the courage to risk, healing your old beliefs, honoring your creativity, believing in yourself, and having a trust that life can be much more, really something we want to continue to label as irresponsible?
And so what if I fail big time? I already feel like I won. I proved to myself I can take the leap. Maybe I still have to learn a few steps that will allow me to manifest the things I dream about, but the only way to become aware of the need to learn those things is through failing.
If I want a life full of creativity, where every day is different, where nobody else manages my time, where my health thrives, where I have child-like eyes, and where there’s an abundance of joy for life, I have to create a mindset and the body state that are ready to receive it.
Think of the person to whom you give a compliment and no matter how great and sincere it is, they can’t accept it because they are not open to it. They are so stuck to believing they are not creative, intelligent, good-looking, capable, worthy, that no matter what comes to them from the outside, there is no way for it to get through to them. They are not open to receiving it.
So what I’m doing right now is creating that openness in myself. Creating a door where all the goodness that’s waiting for me can enter. Becoming a match for what I’m wanting and needing.
It is my responsibility. Nobody else can do that for me. Nobody else can’t recognize me if I don’t allow myself to recognize my own worth.
And nobody can give me the life I’m wishing for if I don’t allow myself to have it.
I’m so grateful for this journey. And I hope some of you can get something from this as well.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, emotions, and experiences on this. Comment, DM, email, anything you like.