Procrastination Lingers Over Me

Initially, the first sentence I wrote was this: “Procrastination has been my companion for as long as I can remember.” Then I got the flashback of childhood memories and I saw the fault in what I was saying. For a child, there is no such thing as procrastination because you live in the moment. There are no big goals and dreams for life because you already live your dream life. Life goes on from one moment to another. There is no “what will my mum think of me if I do that” or “I’m not good enough to create something”.  Procrastination becomes a thing once the society – better said, the system – fills you with all sorts of negative beliefs about you and your potential. Because a fully developed being is unlikely to obey all sorts of things they feed us with.

Procrastination lingers over me. It is fueled by low self-esteem and the fear of criticism and failure. I feel as if there is some sort of a being wrapped around my ankles so hard it lets me take no step forward. Why I am so afraid to show myself to the world, and live the way I’ve always wanted to? Why do I care so much about what will others think of me, thus avoiding creating the things that bring me so much fulfilment?

Majority of my life and who I am wasn’t decided by myself. Instead, it was society and upbringing. More specifically, it was the fear. We follow patterns of thinking and behaving that society gave us. We stick to it because otherwise all sorts of things are thrown at us – shame, ridicule, guilt, being cast out. People give those things to the ones who try to live authentically because somewhere deep inside of them is a voice that tells them they should be following their authentic feelings and needs as well. But it’s much easier to stay where you are than to let go of a certain belief you’ve been living by your whole life. I know it because I’ve been there. I still am.

I feel like I’ve been in the same spot for months, as if I’m stuck in it. It takes just one step to cross the line that brings me to the freedom of expression and being who I am – truly and completely. You’d think that ‘last’ step should be the easiest thing to do because it’s the one that brings me over to the side of which I’ve been dreaming for years. How can it be so hard? Why am I so paralyzed in what should be a natural motion? Is it the fact that by taking that step most (or all) of my past beliefs will be shed off – my identity will be no longer what it was, and instead, I will have to create a new one?

I’m terrified. It is the fear of the unknown. I’ve never met this new self. Sometimes it’s hard to even visualize it.  I can no longer withhold this foreign being that I currently am – the one that is formed out of fear. I refuse to be it. Because I can feel so strongly throughout my whole body that I’m something else, and this is just a façade put on me by society. I am something more – something free and beautiful. The pure creative energy that has a deep purpose, an unbreakable life force that can take a shape of anything that’s put in front of it, just like water does.

Procrastination is nothing more but accumulated fears and insecurities inside of you that prevent you from doing what your true self is telling you to do. Otherwise, why would anybody ever avoid doing what they’re most drawn to?

I should do something that is so out of my comfort zone it will catapult me far into the land of free expression of self.

The question is – what is that something? It should be a thing that attracted me for a long time, something that brings me feelings of fulfilment and purpose when I think of doing it but also scares me so much that I was ready to ignore it for the sake of staying ‘safe’ and comfortable.

As a child your mind is still clear from all the limiting beliefs, you let your nature lead you. You are not afraid to try different things. Failure is not a word that exists in your world. You are so open to life, so receptive, so playful.

Who would you be if you kept living by those qualities, your true nature? How would you look at the world, if you had those childlike eyes full of curiosity and unconditional love for this life? If there is so much potential in us and we simply let it unfold itself by being free in our thoughts and actions, what would we be like?

Who am I when there is no one around to watch and judge me, no one to prove my worth to?

What will I do to get my real self to manifest in this world?

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