The heaviness of my mind was quite overwhelming for the last few days. The muddy space is created every time I don’t pay attention to my thoughts and let them roam freely.
It was yesterday in the late afternoon, after a whole day of escaping my feelings by indulging in delicious food, that I somehow ended up playing the audio track I had on my phone for months and not even once played it. It was the Wayne Dyer audiobook, 101 Ways to Transform Your Life. As soon as I heard the voice of the narrator, the softness of it, and the frequency, it penetrated to my core and I softened immediately.
I slowed down and allowed myself to let those feelings out. I allowed myself to be the lost, angry child. Ironically, I felt so much love at that moment. I felt love for that part of me because that’s what it needs the most. I’ve been so harsh towards is. It’s nothing but a small, wounded child, trying to get by all the stories it’s been told about how it’s not worthy of love and freedom.
I was so hard towards it, telling it to finally grow up and get over itself, to stop feeling so much of the world around me. I was annoyed by the sensitivity of it.
But you can’t kill that part. If you could, there wouldn’t be anything human about you anymore. It’s our essence. Our ability to love. Our ability to see. Why on earth are we all trying to suppress it so much?
I’m exhausted by this play pretend of how strong and grown-up we must be. Neither one of us is strong, in that sense that we’ve been told we have to be. I’m not unaffected by the world around me, and I don’t ever want to be. I feel everything so deeply. And that is my superpower. That’s the purest and most beautiful part about me. Of you as well. That’s where our ability for connection resides. Why would we ever want to get rid of that part of ourselves? The purest part.
Even if we could, what would remain after that is an incredibly suffocating void, a feeling of emptiness. That’s how we feel once we keep ignoring that part of ourselves for a longer period. Because we ignore the essence of ourselves. We betray ourselves. It’s that emptiness you then try to fill up with food, shopping, money, alcohol, drugs, and all different kinds of stimulation.
I’m still slowly learning this, but the real strength isn’t pretending to be steady and unmovable like a mountain, but allowing yourself to break down, go back to being a small child, and give yourself the love you need. Allowing ourselves to ask for love from others to help us heal.
Our feelings are our compass. It’s through them that we learn what’s right for us, and what’s not.
I don’t want to pretend I’m strong and have it all figured out. I’m not and I never will have. I don’t ever want to. Because what’s the purpose of this life if you have it all figured out? Are you still a human if you’re indifferent to your surroundings?
The goal is to get to the place where you’re so grounded and aware of yourself, the world, and life in the bigger picture, that you don’t get easily hustled by undesired circumstances in your life. The goal is to become so good at feeling the emotions you are feeling, accepting them, and moving on. But that’s not equal to ‘not feeling’. If anything, it’s the complete opposite! It’s about feeling everything in its fullness. Because when we resist feeling we develop the illusion of a protective shell around us that we think keeps us from the harm of the world outside. But all we keep away from us is life itself.
It’s such an extensive and deep work, to develop the ability to feel everything in its fullness. It’s a years and decades-long work. Probably a lifetime long work. And that’s something we have to keep reminding ourselves of, because I know how probably the next time I’m having days like before today, I’ll be resenting my sensitivity up until the point I can’t take it anymore and have to break down and feel everything. And only then do I get to see the big picture.
I don’t ever want to lessen my sensitivity.
That’s the only reason I’m able to see life this way.
That’s the only reason I get to love and be able to receive love.
That’s the reason I’m able to stay on this path that I know is right for me, despite all the heaviness that comes with it.
That’s the most beautiful part about me.
I also don’t like the word sensitive because we’ve attached so much stigma to it. Subconsciously we’d rather be a brick, than a flower so full of color and life, but so fragile that a little bit of wind can shed it into thousand pieces.
Rather than sensitive, let’s use the word ‘alive’. Because that’s what it makes us. Alive.
And that’s what we came here for. To be alive and experience this world in everything it has to offer, in its fullness.
To be alive is to feel. And not just one side of this existence, but its duality.
Writing and sharing like this feels so vulnerable, exposing, scary and uncomfortable. But I never had a stronger sense of purpose and belonging, that I’m willing to accept the cringe and the need to escape my body every time I click ‘publish’.
Discovering my personal truth means the joy of self-expression through blogging, but also losing myself for days in the storm my mind creates when I don’t pay enough attention to it, and the pain, regret, and shame that follow.
It’s hard to see things this way when the stormy days are in front of me, but I know there is no way to be alive without both of those inner worlds by my side.
I could not be writing like this if the other half of the time (more accurately, other 90 percent of the time) I wasn’t lost, doubtful, fearful, confused, and enveloped in the rest of the spectrum of emotions.
So, here’s to all the confusion, pain, anger, heaviness.
Because of them, I get to experience purpose, belonging, love, joy, clarity, and lightness.