Are we striving under pressure?
I don’t have inspiration for conceptualizing anything valuable, but I have an immense desire to write.
I feel like I don’t have anything specific to say, but my mind is full of thoughts and insights dying to be released and shared with the world.
I always seek to create something insightful or inspirational to share here, but does it always have to be the case?
It’s amazing to what extent are people concerned with what will others think of the stuff they create and do. I keep hearing that same thing from the creators and those who yet don’t dare to call themselves so.
I wonder if there ever comes a point in creators’ journey when they stop doubting their work.
I acknowledge you.
I acknowledge you, my angry, frustrated, confused, exhausted part of me.
You are so important. An integral part of me.
I acknowledge you in this sea of forced positivity and disregard of any emotions that show the truth we don’t want to hear.
Recently I’ve had a few weeks break from creating. I can’t say it was intentional, that I did it to get recharged or something like that. Mostly, it was my mind taking over, my insecurities and fears being in charge. I went to a place of extreme judgement of my work, as well as myself.
Another day is ahead of me.
What will I choose to do with it?
What will I focus on?
How will I use my energy?
Will I overthink everything, or use my intellect to stay in awe of the little things, little wonders, that are around me?
Perfectionism is a sneaky little bastard. It gets into all the places of our lives, and we get so used to having it there that we become blind to it and take it as our normal.
What is this place I’ve never seen before? So unknown, so strange.
My identity is fading away. What I though I was is no longer true.
My body no longer wants to withhold this old version of self.
Slow living… how I love the sound of these two words.
Just a few years back I was a stranger to anything but rush. I was living in my mind full of hurry, goal chasing, going from one thing to another, never really stopping to look at what’s around me.
Have you ever heard someone say, ‘to live is to suffer’, and just rolled your eyes, thinking what the hell are you talking about?
Well, I for sure have.
I’d hear something like that and tell myself whoever said that still believes this system is the only way to live, and because the system is organized in a way to take more from you than what it gives you, you’re destined to suffer. I thought, well if you create your own business around something you really love to do, then you won’t be experiencing any of those things, life will just happen to you and all you’ll feel is joy and content.
I guess it was my youth speaking out of me.
Do you ever think about how you deserve so much more out of this life and how nothing ever changes?
I remember that day so clearly. I was with my partner in a park nearby our apartment. We were enjoying a typical Irish summer, which meant warm hoodies and rain jackets. While we were talking about life, I mentioned the love for photography I had as a child.
It was somewhere around 2004 when mobile phones came into our lives. I got my first approximately two years later – a flip phone with a 0.3 MP camera. I would spend hours taking photos of flowers and other natural wonders. I remember feeling so grateful and proud for being able to capture such beauty and do something I wasn’t able to before. Those now ridiculous 0.3 MP were back then a source of huge fascination and joy.
I’m fascinated by how deeply I’m in my comfort zone. I convinced myself that by moving to another country and making some other decisions only few can, I was living outside of my comfort zone. Yes, they were pretty scary at the time, but I can’t hold on to that one period of my life and use it to justify months of staying comfy and conforming to society’s ways.
Solo dates are a thing I started practicing regularly a few years ago. I would usually combine my love for photography, coffee, writing, and city streets.
Initially, the first sentence I wrote was this: “Procrastination has been my companion for as long as I can remember.” Then I got the flashback of childhood memories and I saw the fault in what I was saying. For a child, there is no such thing as procrastination because you live in the moment. There are no big goals and dreams for life because you already live your dream life. Life goes on from one moment to another. There is no “what will my mum think of me if I do that” or “I’m not good enough to create something”. Procrastination becomes a thing once the society – better said, the system – fills you with all sorts of negative beliefs about you and your potential. Because a fully developed being is unlikely to obey all sorts of things they feed us with.
For so long I thought I had nothing valuable to offer to the world. I couldn’t even start creating something because immediately after I get the idea, I would find a reason why it won’t be good enough. Or if I get to the point where I’ve created it, I would compare it with the work from other people and get discouraged to share it with the world.
After years of filling my head with stories of not being creative and good enough to pursue a path different than the one society imposes, my whole being was unhealthy. I didn’t feel my body was alive and my mind felt like a container full of fog. I began to realize nothing will help me get out of that place, no amount of money or business titles. The only solution was to start living how I was supposed to – by creatively expressing myself and helping others.
I was sitting here this morning thinking what to do with all this creative energy that is dying to be released for days but can’t seem to find a way to do so. I kept thinking about what am I doing wrong, what is it that I’m not seeing. Then it hit me – I keep creating for somebody else. I keep creating that which I think would be appreciated by others, instead of being guided by my feelings. Creation shouldn’t come from a place of gaining recognition from others, rather creating for yourself – only that which lights you up from the inside.
For the last few days, I’ve found myself trying desperately to create and not being able to deliver anything. I would spend an hour writing five sentences that I didn’t even like. When I finally admitted to myself what I was doing isn’t working, I started free flow writing, in other words, writing down any thoughts that come to my mind. Soon after, once I released a part of what my mind was filled with, ideas started to flow.
For years I believed I wasn’t a creative person. You see the way media portraits creatives and you get the idea how creativity comes only in that one form – a crazily talented person that knew she wanted to be a singer/actor/dancer, etc. from the age of three and have since then more or less worked on polishing that talent. Then here is the rest of us who have instead been polishing society’s idea of what our lives should look like