Many people see me as an independent woman. Those who were there with me while growing up love to quote a single line I kept repeating from an early age: ‘I can do it myself’. Somehow, I got perceived as a person who makes her own decision, independent from those around me. 

While that’s partially true, what I also discovered is that looking back on my life up until the last couple of years, I’m not sure if the number of those bigger decisions that I made independently can count up to the fingers of one hand. My internal sense of guidance was – and to a big portion, still is – attuned to the collective narrative. It’s only recently that I’ve truly grasped the depth of my conditioning and began to understand how the decisions I made so far, the life I led so far, have never been my own. 

As kids, we rely heavily on our parents’ guidance. Somewhere along the way, we are supposed to gradually drop the need for checking to see if they approve of what we do, looking for guidance if what we did was right or not. However, many of us continue to do so throughout our adult years as well. I’d dare to say many continue to live like that until their last days. 

When I say that, I don’t mean how people actually call their parents – or any other authority figure – to ask for approval. Rather, their internal guidance system that led them to make that decision is set to blindly follow what their upbringing taught them. 

So we grow up thinking that it was us who choose the life we are leading, when in reality we never discovered for ourselves what it is that we truly want, and who we really are.

It’s a thought pill to swallow. How to deal with the emotions that come with the discovery of such a thing? How to accept that we allowed society to completely suppress our potential and numb our individuality?  

How to move from being who we thought we are to finally step into our true selves? 

What to do with the emptiness that comes with the transition from who we thought we were to who we actually are? 

That emptiness is only temporary. It will be filled up with our authenticity, but for a moment, we have to bathe in it. We have to feel the void that’s left because you can’t pour water into a full cup. The only way to build our new self is to first destroy the old one.

Once we get aware of this, it’s so easy to get stuck somewhere between the old and the new. It’s so easy to keep looking at the new pathway that lies in front of us and to continue to keep one foot on the old one, afraid to let go. 

To stand at a crossroad and not be able to move is one of the biggest traps we can fall into. Often, the clarity of what’s the right move can’t come by overthinking, but only by making a move – either wrong or right one.

Moving in the wrong direction is much more fruitful than standing in one spot, being unable to move. Even if we take the wrong path, with every step we take, the clarity in our eyes grows. Although it might seem we are moving away from our true selves, what we are really doing is moving closer to being who we truly are. Sometimes the only way to learn who we are is to first be all that we aren’t. 

Making life-changing decisions is hard. Not knowing the consequences that come with every step you take and their price is terrifying. But being stuck at a crossroad for too long comes with a much higher price to pay. Being immobilized by fear prevents us from moving through life, testing our ideas, experiencing life, meeting people, loving, being loved, creating, and connecting with each other. Why else are we here but to fill our lives with those things? 

I guess decision-making is a practice we have to develop. A habit of knowing that no matter what you choose, no matter what awaits on the other side, you’ll have the capacity to move on. You’ll have enough self-love to forgive yourself, in case the consequences of your actions come with a price you didn’t predict. 

It is a practice of embracing fear and understanding that there is no way around it. There is no way to avoid it, if you want to truly experience this life. The higher the reward of a certain thing, the bigger fear that accompanies it. 

Maybe we need to remind ourselves that things are not so deadly serious. This life is not meant to be taken as seriously as we tend to. I guess we got this idea of things having a label ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ so heavily imprinted into our minds, that we fear making decisions for ourselves. Because as long as we don’t make any decision, as long as we don’t move and stay stuck in one place, nobody can say we did something wrong. 

But what is the real price of being stuck in one place? Is it truly an easier thing than to move and possibly make a mistake? 

Would you rather ‘waste’ a couple of years on being an entrepreneur only to discover that it’s not what you really want? Or to spend your whole life wondering what would have happened if you followed your calling, and have that slowly tear you apart?

Would you rather risk having your heart broken, or never experiencing what it’s like to love and to be loved? 

Maybe there’s more to all of this than just our individual potential.

Maybe what lies deeper than that is the momentum we create for the collective.

Being an example for those around us.

Providing the proof that it’s possible – and safe – to think for yourself and choose (for) yourself.

Being a source of inspiration and motivation for those with whom we cross our journey. 

Maybe all this time, that thing you’ve been looking for and the person you’ve been needing the most, is nobody else but you yourself.

Maybe the approval you crave and the green light you are waiting for can only come from one place – within you.

Maybe out of all the books you read and podcasts you listen, and out of all gurus and religions you follow, there isn’t a bigger source of wisdom to be found but that which you feel deep within yourself.