I Fear Owning My Strength

The noise this world creates knocks me to the ground way too often than I’d like to admit. It’s so easy to consume just one small thought that comes from the outside and create a momentum of negative thoughts that take you back to that path you’re trying to get off of.

It’s been a long period of not posting any new pieces on my blog. Somehow, I have again allowed the world to tell me that quantity has a higher value than quality. That what I have to offer is not good enough because there isn’t a huge response to it. 

How can I expect the majority to recognize me when those same people never allowed themselves to embrace their authenticity? How can anyone recognize the value and power that’s hidden in my words if they never dared to question and seek the truth about their lives and what drives and feeds their existence? 

I want a culture that’s based on conformity to recognize me for my individuality. 

But life doesn’t work like that. As the saying goes, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. 

Still, occasionally – or to be honest, usually – I doubt my inner guidance because it’s hard to accept that so many people are so deeply lost. It’s easier to just say there must be something wrong with me and it’s me who sees things distortedly than to accept that maybe my vision is clearer than that of the majority. And that the people and authorities I’ve been holding up so high my whole life actually have no idea what they are doing, and are nothing else but small, lost, and hurt children playing games of power.

What’s really hiding beneath all of this is that I’m afraid of my power. 

More than anything in the world, I’m afraid of my own strength. 

Because owning your strength means change. And change is scary, because you never know what’s going to be on the other side. 

I can sense it all this time. My power. It’s lingering deep within me from day one. It’s like a sound that you can barely hear, but it’s always there, somewhere in the background. Not a high-pitched tone that just seemingly overpowers everything else, but that shivering deep sound that creates vibrations and moves walls and grounds. 

It takes so much focus and awareness to attune to it, but once you hear it, you can never go back. You don’t hear that sound with your ears, but with your whole body. Like standing in front of a huge loudspeaker in the open-air, when the bass causes vibrations in your internal organs. 

I can feel its intimidating depth and power. It’s as powerful as any force of nature. Because it is the true force of nature. My free will. Your free will. Our free will.

Nobody and nothing can ever affect it, other than ourselves. Nothing can ever be stronger than our free will. Even when somebody ‘forces us’ to do something, it is our free will that made the ultimate decision, that outweighed the pros and cons, and then made a choice.

I am so scared to let go of this identity I had my whole life – an identity of a confused little girl that doesn’t know how to navigate this life and everybody knows everything better than her – especially those things related only to her life. 

I’m scared of letting it go fully, and embracing my power, because I know what comes with it. This culture accepts only fear and conformity. Fear of individuality and personal power. 

Owning your truth and power will make you lose so many people around you. Or you get to keep them in your life, but at the price of being perceived as the core reason for all their pains and troubles. Because your strength tingles their strength. Your power calls their power. Come outside and let’s play together, let’s create together.

This culture will make you feel so alone when you choose to see and accept the truth. When you embrace your individuality. When you embrace your strength. 

But that’s the price of finally having yourself. Of finally owning your voice, your truth, and power. You have to lose that which wasn’t yours from the start, in order to make room for your truth.

You’ll never get a green light from this culture to embrace your power. 

You’ll never get a green light from your environment to embrace your strength and individuality – unless somebody around you makes the leap first. Because if it was supportive of those qualities, you would already have been different. You’d already feel free to be whoever you truly are. 

Waiting for those around you to give you a green light is a trap. A supportive environment would naturally allow and help you embrace yourself.

So the responsibility is on you. Only you can give yourself a permission to break those chains.

There is another price to owning your strength. It’s taking responsibility for your own life. If your life is in your hands, then there’s no room left to blame anyone else when life doesn’t go your way. And boy, do we love to blame everyone else but ourselves.

There is no room for ignoring the signs your body sends you when you go against your true nature, and hoping that somehow someone else will sort that out for you. You know what you want, you know what you have to do to get it, and you go on and do what’s necessary, despite the hardship that comes with it.

We should remind ourselves of how that loneliness is only just temporary. The right people will find you. The ones who recognize the greatness your carry, because they have it too. 

And you realize, that while it might seem like it’s you who is alone and everybody else has somebody, it’s actually the opposite. The only thing the crowd has is the illusion of togetherness. They stand together in deceiving themselves. All they really have is that illusion.

But you… you have depth. You have the truth. And integrity. 

You have love. Love for yourself, and this life.

You have nature that’s your guardian. You have nature that stands together with you.  

Nature rewards the brave. Nature protects the strong ones. I truly believe that. Even when you might feel like the weight of the world has fallen on your shoulders. Even when you loose patience. Even when you feel there’s nobody out there with you. Nature watches and guides and nurtures silently. 

So while the world makes noise and plays games, you know.

You know that you have yourself. The only thing you can ever really be, and ever truly have.

Love,

Julija

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