Recently I’ve had a few weeks break from creating. I can’t say it was intentional, that I did it to get recharged or something like that. Mostly, it was my mind taking over, my insecurities and fears being in charge. I went to a place of extreme judgement of my work, as well as myself.
Some of the questions that have emerged in that storm were good ones, the kind that gives you clarity over who you are and what direction in life you want to take. Others were mostly there to sabotage me and fall back to patterns of thinking that never brought me anything else but misery.
I got caught up chasing perfection. For the millionth time.
Maybe this war with perfection will be something that will always be a part of me. Maybe it’s something I shouldn’t be trying to exterminate but surrender to its presence and simply take one battle at a time, one day at a time.
We all strive to be better at what we do, to learn more and improve. To keep up with the life’s natural flow of new creations and new creators coming in. To be in the game and a part of the whole.
That’s where we turn our awareness towards ourselves. We search for a space for improvement; we are on the lookout for new opportunities for expansion. Digging even deeper into our soul’s needs and desires, attracting what resonates with us. Beauty and power in one.
But way too often, we end up turning it against ourselves. And the vicious cycle of what I can’t; what I lack; what I should, instead of what I want’ begins.
I got so freaking caught up chasing more and better when all I really want to focus on are the simplest, most ordinary, and mundane things in life. Slow and quiet mornings, sipping coffee while journaling, capturing that scene because it brings me so much joy and inspiration, playing groovy music while cleaning and organizing my place, reading a book being wrapped up in a blanket, writing my thoughts down and sharing with world, having nowhere to go and being in a mindset that’s miles away from the rush.
Just slow and simple life, full of warmth and affection for nothing in particular and everything at once.
Why do we get so easily entangled into these thoughts of wanting to have, do, and be something more?
Because we’re being fed with that message from all around us. Everywhere you look, almost everything you see that’s not a tree or sky, there’s a message that you and your life are not enough. You should buy more, have more, do more, achieve more, be more, eat more, obey more.
And in that process, in the search of becoming ‘more’, we lose everything we already have.
We lose sight of who we really are and what we truly want. We replace that which is ours with foreign beliefs and desires.
It’s natural for us to seemingly adopt the desires of others as if ours. We see their vibrant energy when they speak about something and we get into a state ‘well if this thing produces this emotion in them, then I’ll do it also so that I can feel the same way.’
What we don’t realize at that moment, is that they feel so joyful because that thing resonates with them specifically. It’s something that’s unique to them. It arouses their existence.
But for us, other things might be the key to satisfaction.
We are natural imitators. As babies that’s the way we learn and grow.
And that doesn’t change much with years. Which in itself isn’t a bad thing. You see somebody else doing something, a spark inside you is born, and the next day you go on and try it for yourself. And you may discover this new thing which really speaks to your soul, that you never even knew existed or thought was something for you.
The thing is, different things work for different people. Not everybody thrives in busy environments and fast pace. In the same way not everybody enjoys a quiet and slow life filled with nothing more but nature and some art.
So when you combine these two things – the natural need to belong to the group and imitation of things that produce certain emotions – you can easily get a bunch of people who do the same thing hoping to get the same results – a feeling of satisfaction and purpose in their life.
But to know what’s yours and what isn’t, is not the easiest task. It requires a certain level of awareness and honesty with yourself.
We keep comparing our work with that of others, thinking that what the majority creates is what’s wanted and needed in the world. Thinking how it’s the best that can be offered.
But the best each one of us can give to the world, is what truly comes from deep within us. Not from that imitation place. But what originates in the deepest parts of ourselves. I’m talking about that something you have inside of you that makes you feel you need to share it with the world, and when you just think about it, your heart is so at ease. You feel this crazy amount of purpose and belonging. You finally feel your true power. Your true place in this existence. Your drive for life.
Imitating others and trying things out is how we get to the place of knowing what’s for us. But it’s important to be honest with ourselves and re-evaluate the reasons behind doing whatever it is we’re doing.
And when we find what really resonates with us, that’s where all comparison should be left behind. Because the work that we’re producing already has the ultimate quality – it’s a product of our heart, our soul. A small reflection of our true selves. Life in it’s purest form. And nothing is as powerful as that.
I’m writing a reminder here for myself firstly, and then for anybody else who came this far and maybe found something valuable in this.
I choose not to focus anymore on comparison with others.
What they do is unique to them.
I have to find what’s true for myself.
And when I find it, the only thing that matters is to keep creating. Keep working on it. Keep expressing myself.
I am not here to satisfy someone’s idea of quality or perfection.
I’m here to express my life energy through creation.
Creating is what fuels me, what fills me up with life energy.
Creating from the place of comparison is robbing myself of my truth and purpose.
There are no words like silly, pointless, stupid, not good enough, cliché, in the work of expression of my true self.
Life flows through me when I let myself express openly.
And I choose to live. Fully and unapologetically.